July 11, 2010

Five Films Better Than Birth Control

Nothing about these films will make you want to procreate. Ever.

Rosemary's Baby

It happens to every girl: you meet a guy, get married, and next thing you know, he's renting out your woman parts to the Devil. An epidural will be the least of your concerns once you realize you're giving birth to demon spawn. Worse yet, rumors of a Michael Bay-produced remake briefly surfaced in 2008. Just imagine -- all the excruciating pain of Satanic labor, plus explosions.


Arnold Schwarzenegger plays a gynecologist who's invented an experimental fertility drug too risky to test on women, so he tests it on himself. (This is how clinical research works.) But -- where inside a male body could a fetus grow? Who would grant Arnold a medical degree? And what sane woman would allow Danny DeVito to come at her with a speculum? We have all these questions, and many more.

The Fly/The Fly II

Congrats! Once the contractions and Lamaze are over, it's all Beanie Babies and soccer games from here on out -- unless, of course, you're the proud mother of a bouncing baby larvae. The moral: use contraception, especially during sex with a dude who looks like he might be part fly. The birth, as pictured above, is a dream sequence in the first film. The actual birth opens the sequel, which undergoes a metamorphosis from squishy over-sized maggot into Eric Stoltz.

Dawn of the Dead (2009)

You might be ready to deal with the occasional diaper rash, but no amount of Dr. Spock will prepare you for an undead child. In one early cut of the Dawn of the Dead remake, the newborn killed its own mom in this scene. Kids today, am I right? Check out director Peter Jackson's (yes, that Peter Jackson) splatstick classic Braindead for more zom-baby hijinks:

Knocked Up

But real life can get scarier than any horror movie, especially if your life involves being impregnated by Seth Rogen. The prospect of Rogen as a schlubby, superslacker babydaddy -- and the notorious crowning birth scene -- likely drove theaters of 17-year-olds straight to the condom aisle of their local pharmacy.