The Best Movie of the Decade - Jennifer's Body

What are the best films of the decade? Nope, I’m not talking about the Lost in Translations or the Dirty Pretty Things. I mean the truly insane, fun, sit-with-your-buddies-and-laugh-like-hyenas type of movies. That’s right; the Catwomans, the Giglis, or well, ANY Ben Affleck movie. They can all move over because the Best Movie of the Decade has officially arrived and how.

Jennifer’s body is so out of this world that it cannot be burdened with a fogey old review or caged into the confines of traditional cinema. It can only be observed, admired and learned from. The knowledge it provides it so vast and infinite that I loathe to pin it down and classify it and yet I must. So here goes nothing. Presenting the list of Things I Learned from Jennifer’s Body:

1. Megan Fox watches butt squeeze exercise videos as a pastime.
2. Mental asylum inmates wear fuzzy bunny slippers. I suspect the fuzzy bunny gives her power to kick and levitate. Not to mention making a major fashion statement with the orange jail uniform.
3.  Make sure you set a horror movie in a town called…wait for it…Devil’s Kettle. Did ya’ll spot the symbolism?
4. Waving to your best friend makes you “lesbigay”
5. High-schoolers greet each other these days by calling each other “Vagisil” and “Monistat.”
6. Hotness is so yesterday. The new standard to aspire towards is “extra-salty.” I have already applied this word to myself as everyone is aware. Make sure you do the same and keep up with the times.
7. If you hang out with Megan Fox, you get stuck with a name like “Needy.” Her parents were probably fortune-tellers who knew their daughter would meet the extra-salty Ms. Foxy and pale in comparison.
8.  On the scale of desirability, lead singers always top drummers. If you’re neither, you end up with a name like “Needy.” See above.
9.  Sex smells like Thai food. Sorry prudes, cover your eyes.
10.  If you’re not invited to something, you become “jello.” A higher scale of that is “lime green jello.”
11.  Best blow-off line ever: “He thinks he’s cute enough for me. That’s why he’s in retard math.” Everyone hands off; I intend to use this one very soon.
12. Red, white and blue alcohol turns brown if it’s left out for too long.
13. When you’re looking for a virgin, you definitely should go for the sluttiest looking girl. And oh, one that has Megan Fox’s face.
14. When/If you lose your “backdoor” virginity, you have to sit on a bag of frozen peas for a week.
15. You need only one sponge and a Swiffer wet jet to clean up a bucketful of blood.
16. The Indian kid dies first and he must not speak.
17. Band practice gets cancelled after big fires with multiple deaths. What a bummer.
18. All animals can sense an impending death and gather to watch it happen.
19. Bambi likes to feast on human carcasses.
20. Murder is celebrated by getting naked and swimming in a lake.
21. Retarded just doesn’t cover it. It must be “freaktarded.”
22. Megan Fox, as a well-fed vampire, looks like a wax figure. As a hungry, starving vampire, a melting wax figure.
23. Rocky Horror Picture Show should SO be a boxing movie.
24. If you want to impress your girlfriend, make sure you tell her you bought condoms from Target.
25. The most romantic scene of the year includes the lines “Put it in” and “Am I too big for you?”
26. You know you’ve met a genius when he enters a decrepit, abandoned house and asks his date “This isn’t really your house, right?”
27. After seeing your best friend looking evil and covered in blood TWICE, you get into bed and make-out with her. Fanboys immediately make and post Youtube videos of the scene set to Katy Perry’s “I kissed a girl.”
28. The epitome of music stardom is Maroon 5.
29. To be like Maroon 5, you have to sacrifice virgins for Satan.
30.  Small town libraries have special occult sections.
31. A date to the dance can’t be cancelled if the boy has already bought a $12 corsage.
32. A guy can definitely save himself from a vampire if he’s been using the Bowflex and has a pink pepper spray bottle.
33. Being intimate is called “porking” among the cool kids.
34. You know you’re in DEEP trouble when your friend rips off her BFF heart necklace!
35. Hovering is so NOT impressive. Can you fly?
36. In the ultimate battle of good vs. evil, the insults fly. Can you think of anything worse than being called jerk, Hannah Montana, player hater, insecure…
37.  You cannot be insecure if you’ve been the Snow Queen two years ago. See above.
38. The best way to heal from stake wounds through the heart is to use tampons to plug the leak.
39. The best murder weapon is a box cutter bought from Home Depot. However, it may result in you being called butch by your enemy so it comes with side effects.
40. A dying demon’s last more fearful line is “my tit.”

--Dedicated to KKKKunal. If you absolutely hated it, send him all brickbats since he begged me to write it. If you liked it, forward all compliments to princess@castle.kingdom.com. :P